Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Mommy Wars

Mommy wars.
I think I am the biggest offender of judging in motherhood.
Not other moms--myself.
I spend all day beating myself up about my choices as a mother, convinced that everyone must think I'm a bad mom and making bad choices for my kids.
"Who cares what people think, as long as you know you are doing what's right for your family!"
I'll be honest--I care! I care what people think about me. Don't you all? That's the whole reason the bf vs ff, working mom vs SAHM, cloth vs disposable, vaccination or non debates get so heated.
But I'm tired of caring so much. It's exhausting. Logically, I know that someone will always disagree with whatever choice I am making. Logically, I know that I just have to trust myself and let go of the worries  about what other people think.
That's easier said than done, though. How do I gain more confidence in my own mothering? How do I recognize that not everyone will make the same choices as me, and that doesn't mean my choices are bad or wrong?
Do you judge yourself against other mothers? What things worry you most? How do you deal with it?


Cammie Larsen said...

It's sooo hard! My best ammo for myself is that quote "comparison is the thief of joy". If it makes you feel better, you are one of those moms I feel like I will never measure up to!

Cammie Larsen said...

It's sooo hard! My best ammo for myself is that quote "comparison is the thief of joy". If it makes you feel better, you are one of those moms I feel like I will never measure up to!

Brooke said...

Kate! You are the BEST mommy!! Seriously, it amazes me all the fun, creative things you do with your girls. They are SO lucky to have you as their mom! They are going to have so many great childhood memories of all the fun things you do with them for the rest of their lives. Like all the awesome parties you put together for them for example! I know it's hard sometimes not to care what people think, but try not to be too hard on yourself. Everyone can see that you love your girls so much and give them all that they need and SO much more! You are SUPERMOM!

Kate said...

Cammie and Brooke, thanks. I'm definitely too hard on myself--I think most people are their own worst critic. I bet most people don't even notice the things I do that I always secondguess. And Cammie, if you saw the screaming fit I had yesterday when I was supervising the cleaning of the bathroom, you would know that you have surpassed me :)

Claire said...

Maybe you just haven't seen enough people who are much worse than you (haha, not to encourage the judging/comparison) but just walk into any DMV, emergency room, health care/WIC's quite amazing. So many people would DIE to be in your shoes

Christie said...

Seeing bad moms doesn't actually make me feel better. :( I think it's because I have a standard for myself that's totally unreachable (perfection, ha). I could tell you a million times that you are a great, fun mom (and you are!) but it won't convince you if you're like me. If you figure it out let me know! :) Really, I think the times I feel the best are when I try NOT to focus on whether I'm a good mom and just love on Angela instead.

Kate said...

Christie, exactly! People tell me all the time that I am a great mom--people online, people who read my blog, people in my ward, even strangers at the store. You know what? It usually makes me feel WORSE because I think "Oh, if they only knew how horrible I really am!!" I'm probably a little overdramatic about that, but it really does have to come from inside. I won't believe I'm a good mom until... well, until I just believe it.
And I do think that I am a good mom (even awesome sometimes), but there are still those nagging doubts, wondering if I made the wrong choice or if I am totally screwing my kids up lol.
But whenever I read any of your blogs, I think "So-and-so is such a good, cute mom!" (Even you, Claire and Brooke, because you will be) so I guess we all see the good in others and the bad in ourselves. We should all see the good in everyone, including ourselves!

The Colvins said...

Kate, thank you for your real, honest post. I think it is often easy to feel this way as moms, but I have to remind myself when I start to feel this way; who wants me to feel like this? It is never our Heavenly Father. He loves His children so much and he trusts us as mothers to these children he has specifically sent to our homes. You are the BEST mother for YOUR children. There are always people that will do things differently, that doesn't mean that they are right and your are wrong or visa versa. That just means that those are the right choices for THEM and ours may be different. I think that we as mothers need to love ourselves more--and focus on our strengths, instead of our weakness.

Sending you hugs, love and good vibes.

Elisse Carma said...

I have the same thoughts every day! Mostly it's because I know my weaknesses (my major weakness: my temper! no one but Brad believes me, because he sees the full effect! it's bad.) I know that Amelia deserves a patient, calm, mother and I beat myself up all the time about my temper, because I know I can do better and I compare myself to all the patient moms out there that I seem to see. But I have to remind myself too that I can only get better with practice and that it will be a slow process. As long as I'm trying and praying and repenting constantly, we'll be okay!
You are a fantastic mom.

Kate said...

Kelly, I hate reading blogs that never post negative things. It makes me feel even worse! I always try to stay honest on my blog so people know that my life is NOT perfect.
Elisse, I never would have guessed that you have a temper! But I am the same way. It is definitely my biggest weakness as a mother, too. I just found a quote on Pinterest that is my new mantra: The way you speak to your children becomes their inner voice. At first it made me feel awful, but it's really helped me be more kind in the way I answer my kids this week because I want them to have kind inner voices :)

Brad said...

I love that quote too! I have to remind myself of that often.

Brad said...

(That was Elisse, not Brad)

Sara Olsen said...

I really love the title of your blog, I was so intrigued at the title and had to read some of your posts. And I am glad I did, they are funny and interesting. So keep on sharing your thoughts with us. Keep it up

Denise Faulkner said...

Wow.... You said what i think eveyday! I always think other people are judging me, but it is just me and my insecurities. Thanks for being real!!!

andrea said...

it is so so hard. i think something just clicks and you say "forget it, i am doing this the way i want and whatever anyone else thinks doesn't matter"

i always appreciate constructive critisizm, but that just leads to self-doubt! LOL

when I am home more/around other moms more - I find that is when I start the questioning.

you're doing great!