Tuesday, February 5, 2013

maybe more?

Today, on a whim, I tore apart our laundry room so that I can wallpaper the whole thing and hang new shelves. Now my bedroom is a huge mess with everything that I usually store in the laundry room, including my girls' "special" boxes.

I keep all kinds of things in their special boxes: their blessing dresses, programs from the day they were blessed (with my mom's notes on what was said during the blessing written on the back!), special tiny clothes, ultrasound pictures, Juno's pavlik harnesses, stuff like that. I had a fun time looking through them tonight while the girls were taking a bath.

And oh, it made my heart ache.

I want another baby. I've wanted another baby since Juno was about a year old. It's not happening this time the way it did the first three times. Part of me is afraid that it's not going to happen again at all. That's scary. 

If we only have three kids, I will be so grateful and blessed and happy every day to be a mother to three beautiful daughters, but I just wish I would have known that Juno might be my last baby. I think I would have allowed myself to relax and enjoy her more. And at least I would have been emotionally prepared to be "done".
I know that no one's life turns out the way they plan or expect. So how do you accept the life you have instead of constantly wishing for the life you thought you would have? What do you do to deal with your emotions when things turn out differently than you expected?


Maggie said...

You just do. I don't think you do anything big or even anything you can explain. You just go from day to day because you have too. Sometimes it still hurts. Sometimes you still have regrets. But you just go on and eventually there is more time between the hurt and regrets.

Carly said...

I'm curious why you think you may be unable to have more kids? Is that something you're sharing? Either way, I hope you're blessed with as many sweet little spirits as you want. Doesn't seem fair that it's such a righteous desire and it can be difficult to get. My thoughts and prayers are with ya! :)

Jessica said...

Oh my gosh Kate! I thought I was the only one. Ok, not really, but it felt that way. It was so easy to get pregnant with my first two, and it took us forever to get pregnant again, and when we did it ended in a miscarriage. I guess I kind of had an illusion that I was in control of my family planning. I guess not. Anyway, my prayers are with you. When I share with people how I feel they don't understand since I have two kids. But it is heart breaking when you have a desire for a large family and you are scared your desires won't be fulfilled.

Stephens Family said...

Just be grateful for the sweet family you do have and enjoy them. And relax - I've heard so many stories of people who try and try to get pregnant...and then they give up and it happens! You're still so young, I wouldn't worry quite yet.