Tuesday, July 30, 2013

here goes

Two weeks ago, I was writing a blog post about our struggle to add to our family. I've mentioned it here and there, but I was really baring my soul. I ended up not publishing the post and then that night, I took a pregnancy test... and it was positive.
Wow, after 14 months and probably 50 negative tests, finally a positive one!
I was ecstatic for six days, but unfortunately, that's as far as that pregnancy made it. I know it was a really early miscarriage (a chemical pregnancy), but to me, it already felt real. I haven't had a miscarriage before and they really suck. I can only be grateful that (physically) it was really easy on me.
And now, a week later, I am feeling hopeful again. Hopeful that because I am young and healthy I will eventually get pregnant again and hold my own little baby in my arms again. I hope it happens.
I know that many, many women experience miscarriages and infertility, but it's such a taboo subject that people don't really talk about it and it can feel really isolating. Now, I talk and share a lot, so I'm breaking my silence on my experience. The last year has been an emotional roller coaster. I want so badly to be able to just relax, enjoy my family, and feel satisfied with what I have now. Then when I someday get pregnant again (because surely I will!), it will be a great surprise and I'll be happy, but I won't waste time worrying about it in the meantime. 
However, that is easier said than done. Working on my family yearbooks has been helpful, as has the old mantra "One day at a time". But I want to know how you do it. How do you move on and find joy when your life turns out differently than you expected? 
Leave a comment or shoot me an email @ keander at gmail dot com!


Abby@AppMtn said...

Oh, Kate - I'm so sorry! No wisdom to share, just prayers. And I think it is better to talk about it, too.

Kate said...

Abby, thank you so much! I was excited to get your opinion and the opinion of your readers on baby names again. Ah, well, someday!

Lisa said...

I know this has been a hard year for you, and all I can say is sometimes we go through hard things and become better, stronger people. We feel empathy and are less inclined to judge others. I'm so sorry for your heartaches, but it definitely is a good thing to get it out in the open instead of isolating yourself and your true feelings. Love you!

Adri said...

WOW, well...I have a good feeling that you will get pregnant again soon. I am so sorry for your loss. I am actually 6week4days right now. Total surprise, but I don't go to the OB until 9 weeks, so it doesn't feel real to me yet..Good Luck with everything!

Jen said...

I will email you about my thoughts on this... :) it might get a bit long. :)

Stephens Family said...

Kate, I'm so sorry. I've been thinking about you a lot lately - hope things start looking up soon!

Lora said...

Prayers. And seriously awesome of you to stand up and say "this one matters, this is a miscarriage too". I think a lot if times with early miscarriages women are discouraged from "making it count" so to speak. Our hearts and our minds still feel that loss. I was eight weeks pregnant with the only miscarriage I ever had and it was physically and emotionally awful. I hope you can find a way to enjoy the now and that you will be celebrating a successful pregnancy soon!

RATCH said...

I thought I commented on this when you posted but since i didnt, i will now.

Being on the "wrong" or small side of a statistic can make you feel very alone. I find no comfort in statistics because I have been that 1% too many times. :/ we aren't alone though... And I think being willing to share your experiences will help others feel less alone. :-)

I think our greatest tool in overcoming fear and grief specifically relating to infertility is faith. The knowledge that God loves us and is aware of us. When we feel we have no control we really do. We have control over our attitudes. We can be bitter or we can be thankful. I see you being cheerful and you have such a great attitude. You are a wonderful example to your girls. I sure hope baby number 4 is right around the corner for you. :-)